Satire · Fictional index
13,000 districts. One of them is definitely doing something.
Our coverage is national, our data is imaginary, and our confidence is unmoved by either fact.
Awaiting a district. Or a feeling. Either works.
The scanner is decorative. It does not scan. It returns a random fictional result, which is also how the real version works.
National leaderboard
Most flagged districts
Ranked by flags per agenda, a metric we invented to make the map look busy. Every district below is fictional.
| District | State | Flags | Top concern | Threat |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Cedar Hollow Unified | IA | 41 | “Inclusion” on a book fair flyer | 9 / 10 |
| Pinecone County | OH | 37 | Library ordered a book about a duck | 8 / 10 |
| Beaverdam Consolidated | WI | 33 | Vendor’s last name was a virtue | 9 / 10 |
| Sandpiper Bay | FL | 29 | Teacher smiled in a 1998 photo | 7 / 10 |
| Maple Grove Township | PA | 26 | Fire drill was not on the agenda | 6 / 10 |
| Two Rivers Regional | MI | 24 | Strategic plan used the word “community” | 8 / 10 |
| Hollis Junction | NH | 21 | Book cover contained a cloud | 7 / 10 |
| Cactus Flats | AZ | 19 | Plan mentioned the future | 6 / 10 |
How we choose districts
We do not. The map is a stock photo. The list is generated by a script that picks plausible-sounding place names and pairs them with a concern from our taxonomy.
The real version of this product claims to monitor more than 13,000 districts. That number is large enough to sound like coverage and small enough that nobody checks. A district that is not on the list is not safe. It is simply unmarketed.
What the flags mean
A flag means a keyword appeared in a document. It does not mean anything happened. It does not mean anything will happen. It does not mean the word was used the way our model thinks it was used.
That is the product: a keyword match, dressed as a warning, sold as vigilance.
Didn’t find your district?
That is because it does not exist. Neither do the ones that are listed.